I thought breastfeeding 2nd time round would be a walk in the park. Thinking I was an expert as I was still breastfeeding little Ava and knew all these little tricks and positions. Well was I wrong, so wrong!
It got me so disheartened when Ivan didn’t latch properly and when he did, he just wasn’t feeding well. Instead he was full of mucous from the delivery and he kept getting sick. I remember being so worried that night and called the midwives every hour. They were amazing and reassuring. I thought to myself, this is not how I planned for this to go. Soon realizing this little boy is going to be a handful compared to what Ava was like.
I was so tired and emotionally drained, I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to give Ivan my full attention , never mind my toddler at home who was running around the house at this stage. Determined to still breastfeed whatever the obstacle, the midwives could see that and let me go home the next night.
Getting home that night felt great, to be surrounded by my family and a nice lit fire but I still just wanted to sleep and felt very emotional. Being a mother you don’t get to sleep especially when your breastfed baby is finding it hard. There was a moment or two I wanted to give in and just send my partner to go get formula milk.Actually think there were a few more with him because I moaned so much.
Ivan would cry all the time , suffered getting his wind up and by the time you got him settled and asleep he would awake again looking for milk. I don’t know where I got the energy to play and look after my little girl as well. I did have a few breakdown moments where I would lock myself in the bathroom and go for my pee in silence (Ava would be banging on the bathroom door) and tears would come flowing down my face. I would question, why am I crying? I have two beautiful healthy babies who many women long for. I have a partner who works extremely hard just for us. I have a roof over my head and surrounded by people who love me. Why did I still feel down?
Refusing to go to my doctor and making excuses like I’m so busy, even I started to wonder what was I hiding or afraid of. I eventually went but was for Ivan rather than myself and when asked how I was. Do you know what my answer was …. “Yes grand, just tired”with a smile that hid everything else . She told me I looked great and that the weight had falling off me. “Are you kidding me”, I thought to myself. I’ve had irregular sleep for the past few months, including my pregnancy, I barely eat anything unless it is mashed up baby food and an unendless pot of tea -(sometimes cold). I go to the toilet once a day , I’ve learned to be a pro at holding it in (I know thats bad) I haven’t wore makeup in I don’t know how long because I just couldn’t be arsed anymore. Dry shampoo won’t even stick in my hair it’s gone so greasy. I feel just how I look and that is exhausted and hormonal.
I have great days where I am at the top of the world. I’m supermother , the house is cleaned , I get both babies down to sleep at the same time. I cook dinner and can even plan to have a shower that night. I’m happy me and only give out to Ava once for doing something bold.
Then comes the bad, the lowest of the lows. My mood changes from happy to sad in a split second. Every thing I do isn’t good enough, I get angry at every one around me. (Maybe thats why everyone has stayed away) My smile turns to a frown and I’m questioning myself again. Why am I like this?
Recently only told my partner how I felt about our son. How I felt differently with him than I did with Ava. My love was different and it was difficult to have that same attachment and to talk about it. I felt so guilty and such a horrible mother for even thinking like this. How could I not love my son as much. He’s perfect. He’s my baby that I carried for nine months and came so fast when it was time to deliver. (I still believe to this day he couldn’t wait to meet his big sister)
The last few weeks I have tried bonding better and it has worked. I have started to eat properly and I have more energy. I have started exercising and my body feels and looks great. I have changed the routine with both babies and its going well so far. Of course I love them both, it just took a little while to get to know Ivan and become a great team. I’m smiling more and having more fun. I needed to lighten up a little bit , focus on whats important. Stop making excuses for every little dam thing. It’s still hard and don’t get me wrong I still have days where I can feel really down and alone. It’s only up to me to help myself especially being at home alone with two babies.
I’ve learned so much this time, every baby is different. Having two under two is such hard work but when I look at them both happy and peaceful, I know this is exactly how my life was planned for me.
Please contact me if you as a new mother or a mother have ever felt like I did. Would love to hear your thoughts and feelings.
Lots of love,